Saturday, May 21, 2011

Sorry Guys

   I just posted my new blog over at I think it will be a fun blog and many of you will enjoy it.
   That being said, I apologize for not updating my blog very much lately. I really want to get back into the swing of things and update more regularly. Because I haven't had a ton of ideas on what to post lately, I'll let you guys post in the comments for suggestions about what I should write about. Keep in mind though that I will most likely ignore whatever you say though and just go with something completely different when I get an idea of my own.

Friday, May 20, 2011

New Blog

   I was at the bar tonight and I realized that the shit people say there is so entertaining. So entertaining in fact that I need to share it with the rest of the world. From the dirty jokes that my 82 year old grandfather tells me to the 60 something year old lady telling me to put a bed at my office so I can give my secretary "better massages," it's all a good load of fun. Is this something you guys think you would actually read?(The blog's not actually up yet)

Monday, May 16, 2011

Aftermath of the Birthday

   I'm taking part of my lunch break to write this now. This is the first time I have been sober in a while. My Birthday was amazing for those who were wondering. Obviously there was a lot of drinking. One of the days I went to my parents house and they cooked me up some food and gave me presents and everything. Then after that some of my buddies came over and my father suggested we play some flip cup. We proceeded to get smashed playing this game. I had been drinking martinis before this and then between 6-7 of us we downed a case of beer in about 20-30 minutes. We were sad when it was gone.
   I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get laid that night, but I was probably too far gone for the girl to enjoy it anyway. Saturday was great though. I had my girl come over and she brought me all sorts of food to eat. Throughout the day we watched movies in my bed in between "celebrating my Birthday," if you know what I mean.
   Unfortunately my previous post's picture was not accurate for the parties. I forgot about trying to get a girl to let me do that. Instead though we took body shots off the girls. That is hot and it never gets old. Unless they get old I guess.
   If there are any girls reading this, just so you know, it makes it harder to take a body shot if your belly button is pierced. Plus, I'm not really into piercings all that much. I think a girl looks much better without tattoos or multiple types of piercings. I know it's a personal preference so don't start saying I have no taste in women or something. I actually know a girl that got a triforce tattooed to her back, and it was really cool. I'm pretty sure it was the whole hyrulian shield or something too.
   Most importantly I made this post to thank everyone for the Birthday wishes. I had a great time, and it's always nice to hear a happy birthday from a fellow blogger.

Stay awesome guys.
Edit because of Xenotooth: I guess I should have mentioned the streaking, so yes, I was in my birthday suit, but far too wasted to know how many people saw me. It was more of a college neighborhood, so there's a good chance that a lot of lovely ladies saw me.

Friday, May 13, 2011


Hey guys, I'm sorry I haven't been posting much this week, but today is my birthday and it's basically a weeklong event. You may not here from me for days. I don't even know where I'll be. There will be drunken debauchery all around!

This will be happening. Except with good beer.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


   One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was to make sure to always go out in public looking presentable. You never know when the love of your life, a job opportunity, or a new friend is going to go by. I'm not saying you need to wear a suit everyday, but it does help if you do something with your scruff on your neck, and don't go out in pajamas or sweatpants all the time. People take notice of this stuff. More than you might think.
   Does someone think you're irresponsible? Dress up a little more than usual every time you see them and don't make a big deal out of it. Don't even bring it up if they don't say anything about it.
   This also helps with self-confidence. I'm sure you've noticed that when you're walking around in a suit, you feel more confident and you aren't afraid to do things that you normally wouldn't. Maybe that includes talking to a girl, or confronting a coworker or boss about something.
   Have you ever noticed how awesome Barney Stinson feels in a suit? He has 100% confidence that every girl he talks to will be interested in him. Obviously that isn't true, but his suit allows him to retain his confidence after being shot down and continue to his next target. Looking good leads to feeling good. I can promise that.

Look good, smell good, act good.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Cologne, but first Dogs

   Suits. These are a man's best friend. Don't listen to that crap about dogs being your friend. That's just nonsense. Your suit can bring you out of a bad mood, get you a job, help you meet women, and all sorts of stuff that a dog can do too, but with a lot more style. Don't get me wrong. I love dogs. I've had a few dogs, and they are my favorite kind of pet, but my suits rank way higher on my scale. Now that I got that issue cleared up, I can move onto the actual subject: Cologne. I used to use some kind of Kouros brand that I had good and bad input on from women, so I moved to a better, more businessy cologne. I found Aramis a while back, and I love it. It's extremely important to smell good. You can be the classiest, best looking guy, but if you don't have "The Smell" you could be out of luck.
   Another important aspect, in fact the most important is that a woman's sense of smell is heightened during sex. Wearing a musky cologne has actually been proven to help a girl orgasm. I don't have the link for the actual data, but I'm positive I read this back in the day. There are other good reasons to wear cologne too, but honestly, who cares? This is the best reason, so I'm not even going to go into the other ones.
   Seriously check out the Aramis cologne though. It's damn good stuff.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

What I Do

   There were a couple people wondering what it is I do for a living, and I thought I just might oblige them. That being said, I don't want to get into it too much. I don't want any of you tracking me down or anything.
   I'm the CEO of a business I started a while back that develops software for small businesses and budding franchises. I make custom inventory systems for wine shops, tournament brackets for used video game stores, etc. And I charge per store, so when those franchises get big, so does my profit.
   Me and a buddy I knew from High school went to the same college and one day we talked to a guy that was just starting out  a video game store franchise. He needed a custom inventory system that he could entice other video game stores with to be under his franchise. We had a few meetings with him over the course of the project, and every single time we wore a suit. If you've read my earlier posts, you know that I bought my first suit at Goodwill. This is the suit I used every time. That $18 investment allowed me to get the upper hand in the negotiations, and I wouldn't be surprised at all if I made over $1000 more from that deal, just because of the suit.
   This is the time in my life that I realized suits were an amazing thing. If my friend hadn't suggested it, I probably would have gone in with a polo shirt, or maybe a button down shirt the first time I met the guy. That might have been enough to land the job, but not enough to be the one in control.
   This might be a bit off topic, but when I eventually got my office, girls openly said that they wanted to have sex with me in my office. I think that a majority of women have some sort of office fantasy that they want fulfilled, so that's just some advice: Get an office. Get a suit. Suit up already.
   I hope this satisfies your curiosity. If I think of anything else I'll leave it down in the comments or make an edit below. Questions always help me. They give me something to write about.

Motivational posters are what make it an actual office. Trust me.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


   It sounds like I'm getting an intern pretty soon. Some kid from Carnegie Mellon I guess. This is going to be great. I've never had an intern before. I don't even know how much I'm supposed to pay him. I think I'm going to make up rules at my office and pretend that it's standard procedure in any office to do something like that. I think I'm going to screw with him as much as I can without permanently damaging him. Most importantly though, at the same time I'm going to teach him the importance of wearing suits. I only have about 2 months with him, but I think that's a sufficient amount of time. Hell, it took me a weekend at most to realize the potential of suits.
   Have you guys ever had an intern? Or been an intern? Any good things I can do to mess with him? Leave some comments to let me know.

Monday, May 2, 2011

A Good Night to Wear a Suit

   So on Friday I got a call from the girl that cuts my hair. She's wondering if she can use my office for a bachelorette party that she's planning, and if I can be their personal bartender. Obviously I said yes. Now, she never said anything about stripping, but I know that her and a couple friends have said that I look quite dashing, especially when I'm dressed up.
   I was going to wear a suit, but I eventually decided against it, because suits can be constricting and I've never bartended in one, so I'm not sure I could have done any bartender tricks. I wore my nicest looking blue button down shirt and nice pants and shoes, so I would say I was still bartender suited up. The night goes on and I'm making very potent drinks for them. I haven't been drinking, because I'm trying to be professional, so when they called over to me and asked me to start stripping for them, I was a bit nervous. Naturally I said that for every shot one of them took, I would take one, until I was ready to start. So this way, I assured that it wouldn't be awkward for me, and they would be willing to do anything.
   After many shots we got the music going and I went to town. I won't give you the play-by-play, but there was quite a bit of grinding, grabbing dollars from their bras(with my mouth) and fewer clothes by the minute. They really enjoyed my lucky Cheetah print boxers. After they had their fill of me, we decided to go downtown.
   Now, I don't know if any of you have ever done this before, but I felt like a God among mere men at this point. I had around 7-8 very attractive girls hanging on me, buying me drinks, and undoing my shirt and belt buckle when I wasn't paying attention. There was not a single guy in there that wasn't jealous, and I had a few random girls come up to me trying to flirt, but I pretty much just blew them off. I can finally see why women do that so much. When you've already gotten the attention of 7+ hotter girls, why put the effort into the less attractive ones?
    After a bit of arguing over who got to take me home, and whether or not I could be "shared," I decided I'd go over to the cute red head's house. Don't worry, she was a daywalker not a ginger. She seemed like the coolest one to chill with, because I wasn't planning on having sex at this point, and just wanted to hang out one on one with a girl for a bit. The reason I wasn't going to sex any of them up that night(and I know you're thinking WTF!?!? at this point) was because I have sort of a monogamous relationship where we've agreed not to sleep with anyone else and I'd already had my way with her twice that day already.
   On the way back to her house we ordered pizza and we ended up watching The Other Guys, which I was not all that impressed with. At some point in the night I decided that I should walk home, not even considering a cab because I was too far gone to rationally think. I start walking home and realize that I've walked about 10 blocks in the wrong direction. I get pissed at myself for not paying attention to where I'm going and decide to call up my "friend with benefits."
   It's really late and I half expect her to just not answer, but for some strange reason she actually answered and decided that she needed to come get me. Apparently I sounded really drunk or something. So she picks me up and drives me home and I thank her profusely. She helps me to my house, and then into my bed and takes my clothes off and gives me a BJ. I don't remember anything past that, but I think she probably just left. The moral of the story here is if you don't have a suit, or any nice looking clothes, then get some. I was a completely different man before I started dressing nice. I owe this awesomeness to my suits. I owe at least 75% of it to suits, 15% to alcohol, and 5% to me. Suit up to make sure you can Birthday suit up.

This is what I felt like, except I wore cooler looking cheetah boxers.

If you guys have any questions, I can try to answer them in later posts. Just leave a comment.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

So Hungover

I know I said I was going to write about my experience last night, but I'm so hungover. So so hungover. I'll do it tonight or tomorrow though. I think I still have to remember everything that happened anyway.

I'm very glad I decided to wear these.